#SAEEDAH30TH0NTHE30TH – OF A YOUNG LADY WHO FUSSES ABOUT BEING 30
They say age is nothing but numbers, but I’d like for us to bring those numbers to have a seat at the table with experience and I hope after now I will also give up the fuss about being 30 years old.
No matter how long it takes, with work, procrastination, and a hell of a backlog being the excuse, huge mental relapse, and lack of productivity, I will always come back HERE to document SOMETHING about my new age as usual.
The highlight of life before 30 for me was learning to be patient through my struggles and as you know, I am committed to making reviews at each standpoint in my life. Two years ago, I reflected on some factors in my life that have kept me sailing. In the piece I documented the previous year, I declared my journey of intentional patience and revelation to spirituality. I have some other life reviews HERE and THERE. (You can check them out to have a knowledge of where I am coming from)
We are talking about being 30! yank off, let’s relate…
I will kick off this new phase from how intentionally patient I have been trying to be. Don’t be too quick to assume that I am about telling a perfect story because this has indeed been an exhausting activity I have consciously attempted. Forces of the world admit that patience will not come through a walk in the park to meet you when you decide to induce it in your life. It will rather apportion a tough row for you to hoe, but a mind pregnant with the good goal of it will always win at the end.
Temporary events that have dared my impulse this year were welcomed with barely any response or delay if at all I did. I have been faced with many frustrating stances that were undeserving of my intentions in some environments I found myself. What I learned was to accept what I couldn’t control for me to make peace.
The intrigue by the condiments of happenings that cook up to bring me to this point is the reason why I honestly fuss so much about being 30. It’s been quite a struggle! You can only live this long to sustain such gravity.
The life of man, one of the holy books says it is short and full of troubles; at about 30, I grieved. I lost yet another sibling to the unannounced snatch of death and my life took a rebirthed turn. This twirl of fate made me witness the last form of man both physically and mentally. I realized that the end of all is death and I beheld how inevitable it was.
Navigating life through the corollary of anxiety, PTSD and the complications of interpersonal relationships was the inhumane way my mother insisted would build me into a better person. Receipts from hospital trips would call it ‘Cardiomegaly’ while I was left rolling along with the baffles of how hypertension had so many friends I wasn’t warned about.
As hard as I discreetly (till now) struggled with my health this year, there was good news of lifestyle and medication options that could keep me going but with a sound disclaimer that it would deteriorate if I slouched a minute. This caused some certain abstinences, lesser sodium consumption, the inclusion of ‘High-Intensity Interval Training,’ Hydrochlorothiazide & Losartan Potassium, mindfulness, and funnily, long trekking from work in the said lifestyle.
All this yet weren’t enough for me to heal than to channel healing personally from within. This came from desiring a better feeling. For a person who enjoys feeling good and living life, suffering chest palpitations, fear of the unknown (or rather that of passing from sleep with all the myths from my siblings’ sad demise) put me in a really bad place mentally and I so badly worked to exit there. I will say this was the crust of the pizza for me about being 30.
Taking the shortest available break from work provided me the time to reconnect with myself, I took solace in the lone moments by the beach and ultimately in supplicating. It was beyond human comprehension for me because it appeared I was set to receive unkindness at every nook I found myself. My dependency on God deepened and I would tell it all to Him at each point – thus, I found the healing needed at the initial stage to give me a reason to forge ahead.
I garnered a bit more strength and I was tossed back into more patience as I navigated my daily path faced with the challenge of how I am wired or how I have chosen to live life henceforth. I’ve had to witness bitter confrontations about the trouble that I am not but feared I could loom, my demeanour, my assertive poise and bright appearance in total. In learning that this wasn’t about me but my recipients, I would always find my ways to God to tell it all to Him. I didn’t understand where or how my answers were been fashioned but my both spiritual parents would always tell me to keep keeping on in prayers.
This is where we should take a break if I were telling this story in person….
Events prior to being 30 screwed some sensitive nuts into me. What I used to be mindless about through the popular fasting period of 30 days and night which was more of a mind control phase for me became more evident. I would smell unright energy while reaching for a soul, yet betray myself. I hate to say that I learnt the hard way but how else does a passionate person learn if not the tough way? I identified what was good for me and what was beyond neutral and rather unfit for me.
I got the memo late about love and boundaries. All I knew how to do was to love hopelessly until I was tried enough to discern how to position things. I know better to define what a violation of my boundaries is, and not confuse it for love. Don’t we all know by now that it is not even enough to love? There exist some elements outside the place of love – acceptance of ourselves for one thing tussles in the function of love because you would be shocked how you could be claimed to be loved so dearly and not accepted. It is not an impossibility! (I’ve been there)
My take-home from here was to verify if I loved myself in the first place by my measure of self-awareness. Knowing who I was and coming to terms with it took me more days beyond my date of birth to realize. I wasn’t able to take back the chunk of me I have deposited carefreely with others but I knew going forward to reserve myself for my purpose, to put myself first in the overdemanding market.
I might have made these paragraphs appear like a smooth scrap but I wish I could depict just how intense without putting my feelings in an exaggerated space ahead of due reasoning. That was one thing I also learnt about being 30. Feelings are quite crucial, yet feelings anyways – I would not deny it neither will I board a jet on its fuel.
Now that I currently feel like I am running out of time on this writing, I will quickly talk about freedom, which I understood and created to be for me and others. I have lived to see the liberty to be approached but a constraint is expected in my response. The world would rather declare than for you to be heard or understood. That is why we have so many activists and surprisingly in my life of balance, I am not one yet. This may be because I sever the need to be understood at certain thresholds.
Response control is not in anyone's capacity, same as prompted actions.
— Sa'eedah Imam (@saeedah30th) November 22, 2021
For all my cause-and-effect about being 30, I am writing currently from a place of being blessed with mind clarity, equitableness and absolute peace. I can go on to share about my settled waters but you would sleep and wake up on this piece. I hope whoever came along with me till this point on this post will figure out that one can only account for details like this having been there and through it all.
I officially announce that I have stopped fussing about being 30. My birthday was a really splendid day, I do not want to bore you any further with the details but you can enjoy the pictures. If you are following me on the GRAM, you must have caught the juice.
I have found answers in the power of information, both the one I give and receive especially within myself. Muttered and loud affirmations have been helpful to me. Manifestations have also been happening to me, I have found more reasons to live, I have mediated more than I have ever done, and as for those asking what next after being 30, my plain answer without further explanation is LIVING! Whatever you find me doing now is living in my purest form to glorify my maker and nourish my soul.
I am enjoying a newly formed body and flesh in some tantalizing places; I am becoming more beautiful both within and without through a hallway of positive mindset and glowing skin.
I am currently reading ‘Open Heavens’ by Pastor E.O Adeboye, ‘Secrets to Spiritual Power’ by Watchman Nee complied by Sentinel Kulp and ‘Make Today Count’ by John C. Maxwell. I have purged my social media timelines to contents that serve my purpose and amuse me. I am recovering from a 6-month-old creative relapse. I am committed to becoming better each day.
And I am still healing….
Enjoy More Photos & Videos:
Let Me Hear From You Too. How Was It Like Being 30? If You Are Not 30 Yet, How Has Life Been For You Generally?
Have You Listened To My New Podcast Series?